At 21, Part 5

1992


Elisa smiles. That’s all it takes. Those full, upturned lips. Be strong, Ervin. Don’t give in. It’s after midnight and the store is closed and locked. No more pizzas to make tonight. The store lights are out. The parking lot is brightened only by one dim street light. We’re in our uniforms and we surely stink of grease and sweat, but we hardly notice the smell. Bits of processed meats, vegetables, sauce, and spices are stuck to my clothes, jammed under my nails. We’re alone. It’s cool but not cold, a gentle breeze against my skin. Elisa is smoking, blowing perfect, fragile rings as she stares into my eyes. She winks, sends her silent Siren’s Song my way. It’s the flirtatious Elisa. The horny Elisa. The Elisa who unbuttoned her shirt a few extra buttons just before we sat our asses down on the dirty cement. The Elisa who knows I’ll look at her exposed bra. At the flesh, the cleavage.

We haven’t been with each other in nearly a month. I haven’t eased my moist tongue slowly down her firm stomach. Haven’t wet the fine trail of hairs on her belly. Haven’t slipped that tongue beneath the cotton of her panties. Haven’t made her moan and arch her back as I dampened her dark pubic hair. Haven’t made her gasp and whisper, "Oh, God, don’t tease me like that..."

I’ve been avoiding her. Well, avoiding her as much as a person you work with four or five nights a week can possibly be avoided. I’ve tried not to be alone with her, because I am weak. I haven’t returned her calls. I’ve turned my head when she’s attempted to kiss me. I’ve stood limp as she wrapped her arms around me. I’ve made her angry. I’ve made her cry. But here we are. Just the two of us. And damn it, why won’t she stop smiling at me? I’ve spent a month pretending as if I don’t care for her. Pretending I couldn’t care less. Sending a message. It’s either him or me. I will not be with her until she breaks off her engagement. She’s written me angry notes. Left bitter phone messages. Begged me to speak to her. But I’ve shown no sympathy. No emotion.

Here we are. Alone. And she won’t quit it with that fucking grin.

"So, what, you don’t like me anymore?" she asks.

"No, I like you plenty. I just can’t be with you. It hurts too much. I’m done sharing you. I want you all to myself, and if I can’t have that, I’ll find someone else to love." I make it sound so simple. I’ll just find someone else. Right. There is no one else for me. It’s Elisa I want. Only Elisa.

"I’m sorry I put you through all this, but I can’t lose you."

"I think we should just be friends," I say, in a cold, emotionless tone. With every word, it’s a struggle to keep my voice from cracking.

She wrinkles her nose. "No, I don’t think I like that arrangement."

"You’re engaged to another man."

"I have the perfect solution," she says. Elisa sucks on her cigarette, then blows a cloud of smoke into my face. She giggles. "Pretend I’m not."

I shrug. "Can’t."

"You have no imagination, Ervin."

She rubs my knee. Moves closer. Shoulder to shoulder. She feels good pressed against me. It’s a feeling I’ve missed. Soft, warm, a bit of a tingle. I want this feeling all the time. Every second of every day. Her against me. Her heat charging me like I’m a dead battery needing new life. Fight it. Be a man.

"I miss you, Ervin. I miss spending time with you. Like, just hanging out and watching bad movies together. I miss lying on your floor with a blanket underneath us, your arms around me as we watch television. I sat through Frankenhooker with you. That has to count for something. And the fucking Toxic Avenger! I just want to see you, Ervin."

"We spend eight or nine hours a day together at work. Isn’t that enough?" I want to fool her into believing that I can take her or leave her. I want our lack of physical contact to hurt her. I want her to ache just thinking of me. Not being with her has hit me like withdraw. Shaking. Chills. Sleeplessness. I want her to hurt like I’ve been hurting.

"That doesn’t count. We don’t spend time alone anymore. I miss...being with you." A sudden moistness covers her eyes. "Be with me again. Tonight. I’ll give you anything you want. Anything. Just ask. I won’t turn down any request."

I shake my head. "I won’t share you. We’ve had this discussion already. It’s getting old. I’m tired of it."

She flicks her cigarette. Takes a deep breath. Holds my left hand, lifts it to her mouth, kisses the scar. She goes to light another cigarette and I tell her to light two. We smoke together in silence. We stare at the nighttime sky. Bright and full-up with little stars. The universe looks like a video game, like Space Invaders. Tonight, the moon overwhelms the stars. I see the face on the moon. It’s always looked to me like the moon is screaming. A never-ending scream.

A tear rolls down her cheek. Then, in an exasperated voice, Elisa: "Okay, Fine."

"Okay, what?" I ask.

"You win. I’ll do it. You can stop torturing me now."

I smile. "How am I torturing you?"

I wipe away her tears with my thumb. Then I taste them. Salty, warm, delicious. Like sweetened rain. I want to remember this moment, our stink, our words, her taste, all of it. I like swallowing her tears. Her fluids. Like having her inside me. The liquid form of her. In my belly. In my blood.

She says, her voice cracking, "I want to be with you. I’ll do whatever it takes."

"You’ll break-up with your fiancé? You’ll make me your new boyfriend? We’ll be together, just the two of us? No leaving me every weekend to fuck some asshole. We’ll be a real couple?"

She nods. Moves her lips close to mine. "I haven’t even been with him in weeks. I've had some bleeding issues lately, and my doctor took me off the Pill. So I just haven't had sex this month. And I won’t. Not with him. I don’t even want to touch Dirk anymore. I want you."

More tears. This time, I don’t use my thumb. I lick her tears away.

Her hand slides between my legs. I’m instantly hard. I push her hand away.

"What?" she asks. "I said I would do what you want."

"This is for real, right? You’re not just saying all this so we’ll have sex tonight, right? You’re offering me a true commitment?"

Elisa says, "Yes, I am. I want you to be my boyfriend, Ervin. I love you. You’re sweet and kind, and you make me happy. I miss the smile that’s on my face whenever I wake up next to you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You know that, right?" She kisses me. Her tongue fills my mouth, her saliva hot and sugary. She pulls away, bites her bottom lip. "Can I get a little lovin’ on credit? I promise you I’ll end it with him tomorrow. But tonight we should go back to my place, have some wine, then screw our fucking brains out. I wanna fuck you so hard, you don’t even know."

I stand up, pull her up with me. Adjust my erection so it’s less obvious. I squeeze her as tight as I can without hurting her. "I’m down with that."

In the dimly-lit parking lot, we embrace. We kiss deeply, passionately, almost suck out each other’s tongues. We’re sloppy. Tears and saliva dripping off of us. Some jerk in a car speeding past yells, "Get a room!"

"Let’s go to my house," she says. "No one’s home, and if I don’t get your mouth between my legs soon I’m gonna burst."

Minutes later, we arrive at her dirty house. Her parents are gone for the night. We have the place to ourselves. We drink some wine. We drink some beer. She lights candles. Dances seductively in front of me. Removes her clothes. Gives me a prolonged, slow lap-dance as Sade’s "Sweetest Taboo" hums from the stereo. The song ends and she undresses me. She leads me into the shower. We scrub each other clean. We touch ourselves. I pull her close. Her back against the wall. Lift her leg. Slip it in. Just for a moment. Three quick thrusts. Take it out. Hear her beg.

"Let’s take this to my bed."

"Let’s go," I say.

She chugs some whiskey. She’s drunk and I’m almost drunk. We’re clean and naked and fresh and new, and we can’t keep our hands off each other. She feels right. This feels right.

"Since I’m so very clean, will you lick me anywhere?" she asks coyly.

"Of course," I say. I would lick her clean even if she was filthy. Especially if she was filthy.

"I want you to mark your territory."

She turns off the small lamp. The room goes dark. She lights a candle and a stick of blue lotus incense. Our skin looks orange in the candlelight.

"You ready for this, boyfriend?"

I lick the back of her ear. Bite her neck. Hope to leave a mark.

"For what?"

"You know what. Get to lickin’, motherfucker," she says, with more sweetness than those words deserve. "I want your tongue everywhere. Don’t miss a spot, or I’ll be mad."

She’s on all-fours in front of me. Her fingers waving me on.

I start at her shoulders. Work my way down. I lick. I bite. I suck. I nibble. I rub. I press. I fill. I kiss.

She tells me what to do, where to stick my tongue. She’s freer than I’ve ever seen her. Demanding. Savage. Reckless. And so am I. There’s nothing we won’t do tonight. I’ve got two fingers inside of her, in separate places. She tells me she wants me right now. I give her everything she wants. Anywhere she wants it. In positions that can't possibly work but somehow do. But I can’t hold back. It’s too much. I’m on top of her, unmoving. Another thrust and it’ll all be over.

"Should I take it out?" I ask.

"No. No fucking way."

Then it’s over. It takes several minutes for our panting to subside. We fall asleep. We spoon. We smile.

We don’t care that we were stupid. That we took chances.

I wake in the middle of the night feeling strange. Melancholy? Numb? Not sure. Maybe because I’ve never had a better night in twenty-plus years of living and I know there’s no way I’ll ever be this content again. I know it’s all downhill from here. Like a great high that’s beginning to wear off and you already miss its peak. I’ve wanted Elisa to be mine and only mine for months. She says I now have her all to myself. She says she’s mine. Now what do I do with her? Sometimes the anticipation is all the fun. Now that I’ve gotten what I wanted, is it really what I wanted? I don’t know. Also I wonder, If Elisa was willing to cheat with me, will she hesitate to cheat on me? Maybe I was just in it for the challenge. To see if I could steal her away from her boyfriend. No way. This is true love. Isn’t it?

I flick on the television and watch a "Happy Days" marathon until the sun the comes up, while Elisa snores beside me, a large circle of drool on her pillow.

I sigh.